One wants to go back, the other wants to stay: the deadlock that wears a couple down

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Of all the difficult conversations a couple living abroad can have, this is the big one: "what if we went back?". When you agree, it is a plan. When you do not, it is an open wound that reopens every Christmas, every trip home, every call from your mother, every bad day at work.

Why this deadlock is so corrosive

Because it is not an argument about geography — it is about deeper things. Staying or returning means: whose family do we live near? Whose career counts for more? Do the children have their childhood here or there? Who sacrifices what? Underneath "stay or go" sit questions about fairness in the relationship — which is why the conversation derails so quickly.

Over time a dangerous pattern sets in: the subject becomes forbidden. It gets spoken in hints, in sighs at airport goodbyes, in sour remarks. The decision does not move forward, but the resentment does — on both sides: the one who wants to return feels trapped; the one who wants to stay feels blackmailed.

What does not work

• Wearing the other down — repeating the subject until your partner gives in produces a resentful "yes" that detonates later.
• Promising dates you do not believe in — "two more years and we go" used as a painkiller. When the date arrives and passes, trust breaks.
• Deciding by default — not deciding is also a decision (staying), and the partner who wanted to return knows it perfectly well.

Getting out of the deadlock — the structured conversation

Separate what each of you feels from what each of you proposes (one partner's homesickness is real; the other's fear of starting over is too); put every option on the table, including hybrid ones (returning in X years with a concrete plan; a trial period; moving city rather than country); set criteria before deciding (what would need to be true for each option to work?); and give the decision a deadline — deadlocks without one simply rot.

When to bring a third person into the conversation

If the subject is already a minefield, a neutral space changes everything. In couples therapy the conversation stops being a tug of war and becomes guided — with time for both of you, online, whether or not you are in the same country. The decision remains yours; what changes is the method.