A bicultural couple: what nobody told you about loving someone from another country

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It starts as an advantage: two languages, two cuisines, two countries to call home. And it is — bicultural couples have riches others do not. But they also have their own friction, which tends to appear not while dating but later: when children arrive, when the big decisions come, at Christmas.

Where culture walks in without knocking

• Family — in some cultures family calls every day and eats together on Sundays; in others you visit three times a year and all is well. What reads as love to one reads as intrusion to the other; what one calls respecting your space, the other calls coldness.
• Money — saving for a house versus spending on experiences; supporting parents financially versus "each generation looks after itself". These are cultural scripts, not character flaws.
• Raising children — which language do we speak? Do we baptise them? Which school, how much discipline, how much freedom? And the children — how much of each culture are they?
• Emotions — expressive cultures married to reserved ones: "you are always shouting" against "I never know what you feel".

And language?

Many bicultural couples live in a third language, or in one partner's language — which means one of them always argues "away from home" linguistically. In emotional moments, whoever is speaking the other's language is at a disadvantage: fewer words come, and they sound blunter or simpler than they are. It is worth acknowledging rather than ignoring.

What bicultural couples who make it work actually do

They treat culture as an explicit subject rather than background noise ("how was this done in your family?"); they build a third culture of their own — new, mixed traditions that belong only to them; they decide questions about children early and together (languages, religion, schooling) instead of leaving them to the heat of the moment; and they laugh about the differences more often than they argue over them.

When to seek help

If cultural differences have turned into recurring wars — especially once children arrive, or in dealings with the wider families — couples therapy helps separate what is culture, what is personality and what belongs to the relationship. At HICOA sessions can be held in English or European Portuguese, whichever works for both of you.